Carey: I am so ticked at the boys.
Their father's coming,
and they were supposed to be home by 5:00.
I guess you're a little nervous about seeing your ex?
Why would you say that?
Because you just ate my decorative soaps.
Zack: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
Oh, no, no, no.
Stroke! Stroke!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh! It's a good thing their father is coming.
The boys need a firm parental hand.
Stroke! Stroke! Moseby: Aah!
Comin' through!
Mr. moseby, I'd like you to meet my ex-husband Kurt.
Well, I see the apples don't fall far from the tree.
I'm sorry, man.
It's Mr. moseby.
Oh. Sorry, Mr. moseby, man.
[All laugh]
This is our dad.
Oh, no kidding.
Hey, mom, dad's taking us to his concert tonight.
Goodie! How are you getting there, taxi or luggage cart?
Wait, guys, not so fast.
You promised me you'd have your homework done
before your dad got here.
I already did mine.
You sicken me.
Aw, come on, mom, it's almost spring break
and we haven't seen dad in 6 months.
Zack, your mom's absolutely right.
Thanks.
You're gonna do your homework in a limo.
A limo?! Cool! Bye, mom!
No--wait--not too late and don't forget to spell check...
Oh, who am I kidding? They're not doing any homework.
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got a suite life ♪
Hey, maddie. How are you?
Well, my straight-a grade point average
is being threatened
just because sister Mary Fredo is failing me in p.E.
Now I'm not going to get into a good college
just because I can't do a sit-up, run,
or climb a stupid rope.
Don't you know the answer to "how are you?"
Is "fine. What can I do for you, London?"
Fine. What can I do for you, London?
Get me one of my magazines, please.
[Grunts]
Ohh...
Wow! You are weak.
Here, let me do it.
How did you get so strong?
I work out.
I've been trained
by some of the top professionals.
I'd make my own video,
but why should anyone else look this good?
I need a really good grade in gym.
Can you help me get an "a"?
Boy, I never thought I'd say that.
Ok, first things first.
That outfit, horrible.
Can we go on to number 2?
Ok. Your hair--
3!
Fine. Show me how many push-ups you can do.
[Grunts]
Ok, that was the push.
Later, we'll work on the "up."
Can we go back to my hair?
Yes. It's as weak and brittle as you.
Know what? Maybe we should start on the lat machine.
Uh, I'd rather start on the cappuccino machine.
Suck it up, bones.
All you have to do is hold this bar
and pull it down behind your back, like this.
Now you try.
Aah!
I like this one!
Bottom of the ninth, 2 outs, full count, bases loaded.
Hey, batter, batter!
Yes! You're out!
I am not! I got to the lamp
way before you did.
The throw pillow was first base.
Since when?
Since we cracked the light bulb.
Hey, be sure to tell your mom I'm gonna pay for that.
Aah! Aah!
You know, dad? This is great.
Yeah, we've really missed you.
I missed you, too.
You know, would love for you guys to come on the road with me.
We would have so much fun.
Yeah! We could do all this,
but be on a tricked-out bus!
Sounds fun,
but I get woozy reading in a moving vehicle.
Cody, you put the "zs" in "parties."
All right, guys, come on, enough foolin' around.
It's time to do your homework...
Because it's...
Midnight.
Oops. Oops. Oops.
So just tell your mom that it's very important for boys
to bond with their father,
and if that doesn't work,
break down crying.
Works for us.
Right now, it's time for bed, but first,
brush your teeth and floss.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Hey! Monster chiller horror theater is on!
They're showing the thing that ate everything!
Oh, that's a good one.
Ok, just the beginning.
[Whispers] Don't open the closet.
Don't open the closet!
[Woman screams on tv] Aah!
Carey: Aah! Aah! Aah!
What is going on here?
Oh, uh, we were watching monster chiller horror theater...
Which I was dead set against, but they outnumbered me.
Now we're heading off to bed.
Dare I ask about the homework?
I wouldn't.
You do realize that the last time Cody saw a horror film,
I had to get rid of the monsters
by scrubbing down his room with holy water?
It worked.
Boys, bed. Now.
This is all your fault.
How is it my fault?!
You're the one that turned on the tv.
I know, you're mad.
No, no. I was mad
when you sold our car to buy a new guitar.
I was mad
when you came home from the playground
with the wrong twins.
It was an honest mistake.
They were girls.
Now, I'm furious.
Look, I just wanted to hang out
and have some fun with the boys.
Kurt, it's great that you're here hangin' out with them,
but every time you come, I'm the one who has to clean up your mess,
and I'm tired of lookin' like the bad guy!
Well, lucky for you I'm out of here tomorrow,
so tell the boys I'll say good-bye to them in the morning.
I...
Why are my pantyhose rolled up in a ball?
Dad didn't want to use a real ball
because he didn't want to hurt the furniture.
See? He's a lot more responsible
than you think he is.
I never said he was irresponsible.
You're the one who's irresponsible.
You promised me you'd have your work done
before your father got here.
Why do you always have to nag me about this stuff?
Because unless I nag you,
you don't do it.
Well, dad doesn't nag me.
And did you do it?
I didn't think so.
You're too busy playing with my pantyhose.
You're just jealous because dad's fun.
Parenting isn't always about being fun.
Yeah, especially the way you do it.
I'm sorry you feel that way,
but as long as you live under my roof,
you will follow my rules.
Technically, it's moseby's roof.
Ohh...Oh...
Derek, man, you don't look so good.
[British accent] I can't help it. I get bus sick.
Good thing we're touring America on a bus.
I'm trying to pretend I'm on a plane.
Ohh...I'm getting airsick.
Cool! This bathroom's got an attendant!
Thanks, mate. We need more paper towels.
I'm not a bathroom attendant.
I'm his son.
Zack, what are you doing here?
I decided to take your offer
and join you on the road.
Great! Will you still be working in the bathroom?
Carey: Cody, have you seen your brother?
Nope, can't say I have,
not for a while now,
in fact, until you mentioned it,
I totally forgot I even had a brother.
Zack, right?
Stop staring at me.
Ok, ok, I know where he is! I'll tell you!
Just stop with the eyes! It burns!
If only Zack were this easy. Where is he?
He stowed away on dad's bus.
No!
[Sobs] Yeah! And I ate the last cupcake!
Ohh...
I can't believe he would run away.
Why would he do something like this?
I think he felt like you were dumping on him a lot.
Why? Did he say something?
Yeah, he said that you were dumping on him a lot.
Ok, first things first. We gotta call your mom.
[Telephone rings]
It's freaky how she does that.
She's gonna be mad. You talk to her.
Fine. I'll be the adult here.
Look, first things first,
I just want to say I had nothing to do with this,
and I completely disapprove.
[Whispers] Calming her down.
Look, just tell me he's ok
and doesn't have any tattoos.
He's ok,
and it says "mom."
[Kurt laughs]
Oh, come on, have a sense of humor.
I married you, didn't I?
There it is.
So, uh, you want to come up here and get him?
I don't want to go home.
I want to stay with you!
He says he really misses you.
I heard.
Thanks for tryin'.
What do you think I should do?
Look, next week is spring break, anyway.
Why don't you just keep him with you?
If I make him come home now,
he'll resent me more than ever.
What's she saying?
Did she say I can stay?
Well, yeah, but-- yay!
Thanks, mom! Love you, bye!
Dad says bye, too.
I didn't get to talk to her.
That's because you don't know her.
And now I never will.
He wants to stay with your dad.
Don't feel bad, mom.
You may not be the fun parent,
but kids need a dull parent, too.
Love your hair.
That's it! Do you feel it? Do you feel the burn?
I felt the burn an hour ago.
Now it's searing pain!
I am never going to get an "a" this way.
I mean, just yesterday,
sister Mary Fredo said she'd use my arms for chopsticks.
Here, let me help.
Here.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Aah!
[Belches]
Whoa. He is your son,
and he beat you by a landslide.
It's a proud day when a son beats his father
in a belching contest.
Can we get back to the game now, please?
I'll see your 3 animal crackers
and raise you a chocolate covered Graham.
I fold.
You know, I'm still hungry.
What else do we have to eat?
What don't we have?
We got your cold pizza,
cold burgers, cold tacos.
What do we have that's warm?
Ice cream.
Cool. I'll drink it.
I love life on the road.
Poker, belching contests,
and no one asks me to take a shower.
Was that you?
I thought somethin' died in here.
You know, dad, this is even better than I thought.
If my school bus was like this,
I wouldn't mind goin' to school.
You know, eventually, you will have to go back
'cause education is the most important thing.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Ok, this is for your endurance.
For your upper body strength, I brought you these.
Shopping bags?
Arms up.
Whoa!
You build up a lot of muscle
carrying these around from store to store
when you limo driver claims he "has a bad back"
because he "hurt it" saving someone's life.
I don't blame him.
These things are heavy!
Now hold those bags up!
Now imagine, you're walking through a store
when portia Tannenbaum's about to grab the last pair of sienna kors sandals!
Ooh! Those are gorgeous!
These shoes are running away!
They're faster than you!
Aah!
Looks like portia got the sandals.
Ah, have you heard from Zack?
Yeah, I sent him a 5-page e-mail
asking him how he's doing,
if he's having fun, telling him how much I miss him.
Here's his reply.
Hmm.
"Back at ya."
Back at me!
Oh, ok, oh...
[Sobs]
Oh, all right, oh, look!
There's young Cody!
You don't want him to see you upset...
And staining my suit.
No. No, you're right.
I gotta perk up.
I'll show him what a fun mom I can be.
Good luck with that.
[Inhales deeply]
Ha! Hey, Cody.
I got a great idea.
Let's go to the park.
I have homework.
Ah, forget homework. Let's have some fun!
Hope you brought your sweet tooth,
'cause I'm thinkin' ice cream for dinner!
That sounds great!
Just one question.
Who are you and what have you done with my mother?
Ohh, you are such a kidder!
No, I'm serious.
Go, go!
Hut, hut, hut!
That was awesome!
Reah!
Ho, keep it down, man. Zack's back there asleep.
[Whispers] That was awesome.
I'm not asleep.
I was waiting for you, dad.
I thought we'd do something after the show,
so what do you want to do?
Ya know, it might be a good time for you
to do that homework thing your mom faxed you.
Now?
But I've been waiting around.
Well, you could have done it then,
but you didn't,
so I guess then is now.
Wow. I finally understand quantum physics.
Fine, I'll do it.
But I might need a little help
on a couple of things.
Well, like what?
English, math, science,
geography, and Spanish.
Ok, I think we're in Ohio...
Seor.
Dad...
Well, aren't you supposed to do this on your own?
You know, build character, strong bones?
That's milk, dad.
Mom always helps me with my homework.
Ok, I tell you what. If you get stuck,
you just ask me.
Fine. I'll do it myself.
I mean, how hard can it be
to figure out the volume of helium
in a tank 17 cubic feet...By...
Ooh.
Hey, dad?
This is an exercise machine?
It's very good for the triceps and biceps.
You're kidding.
Just do it.
Currently, I have no 'ceps at all.
[Gasps]
Have you seen my mom?
No.
Good! I've had it up to here with her fun!
It's been non-stop movies and junk food.
She put a trampoline in the living room!
I can't take it anymore!
There she is!
I was never here.
Oh, not over the...
Ha ha ha.
Mr. moseby,
have you seen Cody?
Am I twitching?
Well, when you see him,
tell him to meet me at the park
and have him bring his mitt, knee pads, and a snorkel. Heh.
Whoo!
I don't even want to know what she had in mind.
Dad, wake up.
What, is it time for the next show?
No, it's noon. I'm bored.
I have no one to play with.
What's Derek doing?
Hugging a chicken.
Dad, let's go outside and play some catch.
We can't. We're going 60 Miles an hour.
Dad, what's going on?
You used to be so much fun.
Well, that's because when I would visit you guys,
I was on vacation.
Now I'm working.
You were sleeping.
Well, because my job involves me staying up all night
to play music
and sleeping all day
so I can stay up all night to play more music.
Then why'd you ask me to come?
I never thought your mom would say yes.
Oh.
Hey, Zack...
Zacko...
Look, I didn't mean that in a bad way.
It's just that I want you here, babe,
but it's hard being the fun parent
and working at the same time.
Now you sound like mom,
but unlike her, you can't help me with my homework,
you're never awake when I'm awake,
and mom makes sure I'm in the car
before she drives off.
We popped a u-ie and came right back.
Dad, take a seat.
Look, when this started out, it was great.
We had a lot of laughs,
a lot of fun,
but I just can't live this way anymore.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but I'm going home to mother.
That's exactly what your mom said when she left me,
and a few other things that I can't mention.
Are you gonna be ok, dad?
Yeah.
But it's not me that I'm worried about.
Don't worry, I'll break it to Derek.
Hello?
Ahh...Ahh...Ahh...
This is why they make you sign a release form
before you bungie jump.
Mom!
Zack! Coaster!
Dadster! What are you doing back so soon?!
What are you doing with ice bags on your head?
Oh, I was having too much fun.
Yeah, right.
No, really.
She decided to become the fun parent.
Ha ha ha.
Not as easy as it seems, is it?
No.
Well, your job is no walk in the park, either.
It's not easy being the responsible parent.
You've done a great job with them.
Thanks, but it's nice to have help,
so come back soon.
I will.
Boys, I'll be back
in a couple of months,
and remember,
do your homework,
brush your teeth,
and do everything your mom tells you.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Thanks for tryin'.
Hey, by the way...
You're really lookin' good.
Thanks for tryin'.
Maddie: The only thing standing between me and "a" is this rope.
I'm going to ring that bell, sister!
Get the sandals, get the sweater,
gonna make myself look better!
I'm gonna make it...
[Ding]
I made it!
That can't be good.
Aah!